Tuba PR
January 9, 2008
Busted – now what?
January 9, 2008
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Get off the tour bus, celebiots!

Over the holidays, everyone’s favorite racist bounty hunter – Dog Chapman – garnered a ridiculous amount of media attention when he appeared at a holiday toy giveaway sponsored by a black advocacy group, just weeks after publicly apologizing for using a racial slur. And radio crypt keeper Don “Nappy Headed Ho” Imus also earned some ink in December when he trotted back onto radio airwaves with not one, but two African-American sidekicks. This got me thinking about the whole Hollywood “apology tour” machine – and what real PR people would do if faced with clients like these. It seems that whenever our “beloved” celebrities open their mouths these days, idiotic things spew from their lips faster than you can say “Mel Gibson’s crazy dad doesn’t believe in the Holocaust.” While Mel Gibson, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington – each with a racist, bigoted story more hateful than the next – are now old news, their infamous magical mystery apology tours, which almost always kick off on Larry “Seinfeld was canceled, wasn’t it” King Live, have created a dangerous template that other hate mongers and celebiots (my favorite word for the dimmest stars in our celebrity universe) are following. Okay PR people, when your clients make a mistake or get in trouble, what is the first thing we tell them…TELL THE TRUTH. Ah, but Hollywood is not like the rest of the world. Instead of telling the public they are wrong and being honest, celebiots lie to our faces until they get caught in the act on a camera phone or You Tube. Then, we are treated to a medley of them crying on cue, trotting out their families to garner sympathy and then “bravely” entering some magical rehab that we didn’t even know existed. You know, like Washington’s infamous trip to rehab for homophobes. Or Richards’ magical “racist reduction rehab.” SPIN. SPIN. SPIN. Every time a celebiot has this sort of diaherra of the mouth, I like to play a little game and invite any other real PR professionals to join me. I like to pretend to be that celeb’s PR professional, and I create a statement in my head where they admit guilt, say they are sorry and ask for forgiveness. It goes a little something like this:Hi, my name is Michael Richards. My hair was very funny on Seinfeld, and I was a very popular performance artist in the 1980s. Since then, nobody wants me. So, I decided to become a comedian. I bombed. In my frustration, I yelled out the N-word with flagrant disregard for pretty much everyone. It is not the first time this has happened. I was wrong. I am wrong. No one to blame but myself. I am sorry. After I play my statement in my head, I get an egg timer, as I am undoubtedly just seconds away from a publicist’s “No Comment” statement…and minutes away from You Tube busting the celebiot in the act…and hours away from his/her appearance on Larry King...and days away from learning about an imaginary rehab facility he/she will be attending. This used to be a drinking game, but I can’t drink that many shots. So, how would you handle a celebiot apology campaign? Comment below.

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